Along with heat waves and monsoon rains, wedding season
approaches in Pakistani society in these twin months of June-July. Noisy
celebrations and chaotic pleasures overcome the drudgery of routine life. But
just behind this curtain of happiness are found the pressures, the emotional
blackmailing and sheer injustice in the name of traditions, honour and even
religion.
Love marriage vs Arrange marriage is a competition that’s
been going on for ages in this region and throughout these years the players
have remained the same, children and parents. The social infrastructure of our
society makes children dependant upon their parents, which has its positives in
form of a strong support system and a healthy family life, but it also has the
dark side that snatches away the decision making authority from the children
even after they are grown up adults.
Youth’s Perspective:
As a child grows up and enters the world, his own
experiences start moulding his personality, his choices, and his aspirations. As
soon as he enters adolescence, the opposite gender starts to attract his
attention and passing through the stages of crushes and infatuations, he
finally reaches a stage where commitment is on his mind. He finds someone who
compliments him, and is willing to take up the responsibility of entering into
the marriage contract. But alas! He had almost forgotten about that cousin-
choice of his parents.
He loves his parents and doesn’t want to hurt them. He wants
them to be happy. He wants them to meet her, to accept her. He wants both
parents and his-choice-of-spouse to be part of his life as both are important
for him. He talks, he pleads. It’s nothing immoral, nothing un-Islamic, he beseeches
them for blessings.
The answer: It’s either us or her.
Parents Perspective:
Mother and Father raise up their children to be obedient and
respectful of elders. They pass to the young generation the traditions of
family, the norms and values of their community. Children are the mirror image
of their parents, and thus are expected to be well-behaved and complaisant.
With time, as children grow up, parents talk about them as
their investment. The toil and hardwork put in to raise them has to give returns
in old age. The children are now adults and comes in the drive to find them a
spouse, but also ushers in the insecurity of losing the asset of lifelong work
to these ‘kal ki chokriyan’. Son has good future prospects and is good
looking and so this chick in his university or workplace who claims to love him
is only after a promising future, is only a fraud. Afterall who can be more
appropriate to be his wife than his cousin from within the family? Same traditions,
values and upbringing.
Our child cannot shatter our image in society. We never
expected him to be so selfish. He has no respect for his old parents and does
not honour choice of his parents to whom he owes his success today. He is
drifting away and we don’t want him to reach a point from where there is no
returning back. We want him to be a part of this family but only with wife of
our choice.
Differences in expectations of parents and children in
choosing a spouse are making marriage a headache for youth. Some choose to
ignore the topic for as long as possible whereas others succumb to pressure
only to enter into a relationship that offers nothing more than sexual
gratification and bunch of grandchildren to make family complete.
Why don’t we want to open up to the world and embrace people
from other cultures and communities? Why are we adamant to stay stagnated?
You may give
them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow. (Khalil Gibran)
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow. (Khalil Gibran)
