Bridging the gaps: Are inter-sect marriages a possible solution to sectarian intolerance?

1950… Kohat Valley… inter-sect marriage.

The bride’s cousins opposed the union. There were threats of a 20 year boycott. There were orders that no cleric should read the Nikaah. But then there was a twist – most certainly.

It was an arranged match.

Seventy year old Brig (retd) Talat Imtiaz Naqvi, former principal at Garrison Cadet College Kohat, joyfully shares the story of his maternal uncle and aunt who are also his in-laws.

 “My uncle (Shia) was the most educated bachelor in town, and my aunt’s father, a Sunni man, wanted to marry his daughter to this Shia youth.” The marriage thus took place and lasts till date, he said proudly.

Also the opposition was not due to the most popular notion of our days- sectarianism. According to Brig Naqvi, it was the case of love interest. “One of my aunt’s cousins himself wished to marry her, hence, the hue and cry.”

Brig Naqvi’s both paternal and maternal sides of the family have a history of successful inter-sect marriages, and Brig Naqvi believes, in light of experience, that such bonds help dissolve the hostilities that may have developed between the followers of different sects. “The very essence of this relationship (of marriage) helps build a bridge between sects.” Sharing his personal example, he said, “Even after decades of our marriage, my wife still offers Namaz in a Sunni manner, because she was brought up by a Sunni mother, and this was never a big deal in our house.”

Brig Naqvi believes that the problem does not lie in the institute of marriage but the value system of society. “It is ironic,” he said, “that while we, as a society, are becoming more educated and technologically advanced, we are losing the value of tolerance when it comes to sectarianism.”

It’s 2013, and towards south of the country, Karachi, it’s the month of Moharram,

In a typical Shia mourning gathering, there is something not so very typical about it. The attendees of the majlis are not all clad in black. 

Nisa Fatima, a 47 year old Shia woman, married to a Sunni man, holds a majlis every year which is attended even by her in-laws. “My in-laws are from a different sect but even they believe in the sacrifice of Imam Hussain a.s, and so it was never a problem for me to carry on with this tradition.”

Originally from Jacobabad, Fatima also comes from a family with a history of intersect marriages, and is clueless why society doesn’t accept such unions. “It’s simply an incorrect mindset,” said Fatima, “with one God, and myriads of similarities in practice and beliefs, is there really logic behind this divide?” she asks. 

Samra Raza, a 50 year old housewife in Karachi, shares a similar experience, but with some rough memories to go along with it. As a Sunni woman who married a Shia man in the 1980s, Samra had to face the all-too-known opposition from her family. “My grandmother used to follow Shia rituals like Koonday and going to the Imambargah, but then somewhere down the line it all disappeared.” 

Samra recalls that for her the struggle to get married into another sect lasted for almost five years, and even today “the struggle goes on”. “It’s not about the in-laws,” she said, “I never converted and my in-laws embraced me as I am. However, getting married into a different community means interacting with the entire community, and you find all sorts of people everywhere.”

For Samra, for a marriage to become a bridge between sects, the key component is will-power. “If you enter into it, go through with it, as it is a huge responsibility you are taking up to create a peaceful society.”

Sect of the offspring?

Marriages are strongly linked with the idea of procreation, and hence comes the very core dilemma of intersect marriages – the sect of children. 

Sana*, 23, with her parents belonging to two different sects, believes that “having two sects in a home does not make it a war zone.” The key factor Sana shared is “no discussion on controversial topics at home.”

It was only in her late teens that the sectarian difference became known to Sana and that too due to peer pressure at school. “My friends used to talk about things (religious rituals) I didn’t know anything about,” said Sana (her school was a sect based community school.)

With a Shia father and Sunni mother, Sana personally feels it’s not important to pick any one sect for herself. “I don’t want to choose a side; I am a Muslim and nothing else.” However, she does acknowledge that “even if you don’t want to, the society will do that for you.”

For Aurangzeb Khan, 22, the choice was clearly defined by the age of twelve. Having a bent towards his mother’s sect, Shiaism, Khan feels his father initially had some reservations about his decision.

“When I offered my first namaz, my father asked me if it was the correct way, and I replied, ‘Hands down or folded, all I know is that I am standing before one God’.” However, somewhere down the line, said Khan, his father started encouraging him to follow Shia traditions. “I think we have now reached our balancing point.”

Khan hails from a business class Sindhi family. Passionate about his religious beliefs, Khan acknowledges having verbal skirmishes with his paternal cousins over contentious matters like doctrine of Khilafat (Sunni) and Imamat (Shia). “There have been instances of heated debate, but things never got out of hand.”

Outside family, Khan has had a mixed experience. Khan does not feel discriminated against, but often gets questioned about his identity. “‘How come having a Sunni father, you follow the Shia traditions?’ is one question I am asked often by friends,” he said with a smile. 

For Sana*, the struggle has always been more external than internal. “My classmates used to make me feel like a Martian because I wasn’t like them. I don’t want to be like them, I have been bought up in a broader mindset and I cannot be a hypocrite.”

Scholarly viewpoint

Abdul Rahman Qureshi, former director of an Islamic centre, Association Interculturelle des Pakistanais en France (AIPF) in Paris, firmly supports the idea of intersect marriages. 

“This tradition dates back long in the history of the sub-continent and can be a positive source to bring tolerance in our society.” 

For Qureshi, more than sectarian differences, the society is plagued with a rigid mindset which does not even allow marriages between two persons from sub-groups of the same sect.

Qureshi also believes that use of the term sect for Shia and Sunni is a flawed practice. “Both believe in and follow the same foundations of the same religion and so qualify as two schools thought instead of sects.” 

The approach of education of the Muslim young generation, according to Qureshi, should be based, even without marriages, on the mutual respect of all the religions and tolerance towards their followers. “This education first begins at home and then at religious circles,” he said, “and when they reach the age of forming opinions on reason and knowledge they are free to choose their own way.”

Some clerics, however refrain from recommending the practice lest it becomes a trend, even though they agree that there is a broader consensus that the act in itself is permissible. 

Maulana Murtaza Karbalai, a Shia cleric, feels that even though there are many common grounds on which the two major sects of the country can unite, inter-sect marriage is not a very strong solution. “When it comes to inter-sect marriages, routine social and economic conflicts of a married life become associated with difference of sects of the spouses.” 

For Maulana Karbalai, in case of a bad experience in an inter-sect marriage, there is a greater tendency for the parties to view the entire sect through the prism of resentment.

                                                             

*Sana- the name has been changed as requested by the source.

(edited version published on Dawn.com on 31-1-2014)

Conference culture- a waste of resources

I came in contact with conference culture when I entered university.  Naiveté being at its peak in those last teen years, I attended workshops and conferences with extreme zeal. I would reach on time, stay till the end and religiously note down important points being mentioned by each speaker. I actually believed in the notion that words have the power to change the world. I still do, but only when used in the right way for the right people.

In past four years I have had a chance to attend conferences of different nature, from those organized by students as an assignment to those held by well known organizations in the capital city. All but had the same features, only differing in the grandeur of venue and menu. 

Funds:

Be it students who toil for weeks to get sponsorships for their event or big organizations paying for the expenses from their annual budget, the amount spent is often almost a waste of resources. Much of the expenses are image related. The venue, the hotel, the food, the backdrop, the recreational activities. It clearly is done to give incentive to the audience to attend. A lot can be inferred now about the power of words. 

Audience: 

The people that show up at the conferences have their own story to tell. Once I came across a young girl who proclaimed in an honest manner that she applied for the workshop cum conference only to get days away from work and come visit Islamabad. Some have a more long term aim of making contacts with other well established professionals in the field for better career prospects. All in all its driven by more by self interest than any altruistic motive. 

Outcome:

No doubt one would always find in such conferences people who truly are there with pure intentions. But does that make a difference. I mean, the amount of resources put into the event cannot be justified with the idea that we have to learn today to implement later. Most of the people attending these conferences are from a background where learning, getting access to information is not an issue. They usually are mature enough to have prior understanding of the topic being discussed during the event. A little stirring up of piled up knowledge in the brain cells is all that takes place in the auditorium with end result being a return back to normal work schedule with perhaps some more new 'ideas'.

I may sound here like pointing finger at those who hold conferences, and yes that is exactly what I mean to do. In a country like ours, holding such events is utter misuse of resources that are already scarce. I mean seriously, if just one person attending the conference in Islamabad from Karachi can cost the host around Rs. 75,000, I can only imagine what will be the total expense of  an entire event. I am sure you can come up with 'ideas' of how this money could have been used in a more productive way. 

Bani Munafiq - by Hafiz Hafizabadi

Came across a mushaira in which Hafiz Hafizabadi recited his poem- Bani Munafiq. The thoughts are so well articulated that I had to save it with me. Here it goes:

Bani Munafiq

Main janta hon

kay asteenon main jo chupaye hoay hain tum nay wo hath paras

wo hath paras hain aur jin ko ya cho lain un ko ya sunehra kar dain\

ya manta hon

ya manta hon tumharay ausaf be-yaqeen ho gaye hain zahir

Falak say tera khameer utra ka jaisay koi munafiqat kay zamana-eindiwal main chahaton ki lay kar naveed utra

kalam kar kay giray murday say jaan balab jo parind uraye

bani munafiq kay ae pyambar

magar zara sun

main basti-e-beyaqeen adna say ___ khabardar kar raha hon

hawas kay maray zameen zaday

tmharay paon ki khak surma bana kar ankhon main bhi lagayen yaqeen na karna

tum in ki palkon main bethnay say guraiz karna

baray ajeeb-eghareeb hain ya

ajeeb in ki aqeedatain hain

ajeeb in ki muhabatain hain

kbhi jo dil in kay bhar gaye tou

lamhay say beshtar

phair lain gay ankhain

mjhay khabar hai

teray hawari 

teri maseehai 

teray qad say 

darain gay to

kia karain gay

teray hawari teray nahin hain

ya dast-e-paras kay hain pujari

ya rasm-e-pur ____ kay waris hain

pata nahin kis tarah ka tum say salook ho ga

agar tu manay teray liya chand mashwaray hain

bani munafiq say shab ko hijart

ya dast bardar hona apni pyambari say

ya aisa karna

jo asteenon main hain chupaye

wo hath paras chupaye rahna

wo hath paras chupaye rakhna

Job interviews and larke-wale visits- twin siblings

As I entered the senior year of university, the dreaded dilemma of career vs marriage finally presented itself to me. Fraught with uncertainty at both ends, I juggled to keep all doors open.-job interviews and larke-wale visits. Going through enough of these to make one feel worthless, I came to realize that both of these activities are a lot similar to each other.

Market Saturation:

Don’t say no to the time set for the ‘interview’. The job market and the rishta market, both are too saturated to allow you the luxury of fulfilling a prior commitment. Once you get a call, consider yourself lucky and agree for the meeting, or the next candidate on the list will be approached immediately.

“Where do you see yourself” question:

The moment in which your only concern is ‘now’, when all you aim for is ‘this job’ or ‘this guy’, foolish questions about future plans are thrown at you.

‘Where do you see yourself in next 5 years?’- a question asked at every job interview. Aren’t the interviewers aware of the fact that the answer to this is always an exaggeration, because, the only thing a job candidate is realistically capable of aiming at that moment is obviously the job he/she is being interviewed for.

The larke-ki-amma poses an even more mundane question- ‘What do you plan to do next?’ Lady, isn't it obvious. I am not sitting in front of you all dolled up to pass a scholarship interview.

Merit Evaluation:  

A multi-skilled candidate is what everyone is looking for. To land a good job, you need a resume showing off not only your academic excellence, but a long list of extra-curricular activities and considerable work experience, even though you are yet to graduate.

The larke-wala’s have a similar taste for multi-purpose bride-to-be. She should be well educated, to be able to support in times of financial crisis. She should be a good cook, so that the in-laws can get a dine-out experience at home, everyday for free.  She should be the hottest chick on the block, so that husband can have a red-carpet experience each time the couple goes out.

Dress-code:

There are sessions conducted in schools and colleges to counsel the new entrants in job market about how to dress up for the interview. A false impression as your first impression will lead to success is the mantra.

Similarly, the rishta interviews also have an implied dress-code to be followed. If it’s only the larke-ki-amma visiting, go for a sober colour. You don’t want to appear as too alive to scare the mid life crisis facing to-be-mother-in-law.  If the guy is accompanying his mother in the first visit, you have a tough situation. Try to go for a young, lively look, but the body language should send out a message of subservience. Never forget you are a kunwari larki in need of an identity, which only larke-wala’s can provide you with. Be thankful.

This cycle continues for me and many like me. All I want to ask is a little concern, if not from the corporate world, then at least from those who seek companionship

An edited version of this post appeared as a blog on website of Express Tribune
http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/13386/marriage-proposals-and-job-interviews-are-pretty-much-the-same/

If there is no God...

If there is no God,
Then,
Who listens to my tears in the deep recesses of night?

If there is no God,
Then,
Whom does my heart hug in the moments of joy?

If there is no God,
Then,
In whose arms do I cuddle up to sleep after those long runs of life?

If there is no God,
Then,
Who gathered the scattered me to create me- old but new?

Am I secular? Am I Muslim? If I am both, am I still Pakistani?

Star Plus is the most watched channel in Pakistan, and my home is no different.  Though I claim to be the odd one out in family, watching Hum Tv dramas online, Star Plus was my station every Sunday morning for the last three months. Satyamev Jayate was too familiar to be missed, only till the last episode was aired.

Based on the spirit of Indian Constitution, the last episode was much about celebrating the secular identity of India. From a Hindu couple providing education to orphans of Muslim families in Gujarat to a Muslim man voluntarily assisting in funeral rituals of unclaimed dead bodies in accordance with their religion, most stories had some element of religious tolerance to show the true spirit of Indian constitution.

This last episode left me thinking about my own country’s identity- the Islamic identity.  Secular and Islamic, are these two terms mutually exclusive? Can I be secular and a good Muslim at the same time?

The teacher, who made me excel in mathematics, is a Christian. My best friend in kindergarten was a Hindu. I have attended a mass in Church, and I have fed fishes from the temple stairs. I ate turkey on Thanksgiving with a Christian family, and was invited to lunch by a Sikh family.

I have also served food to the homeless in a mosque. I have condemned the disrespectful caricatures made in the name of freedom of speech. I have defended the concept of hijab and polygamy. I wait for the blessed month of Ramazan every year, and I yearn to visit the holiest place on earth- the Kaaba.

Who am I? Am I secular? Am I Muslim? If I am both, am I still Pakistani? 

My country’s flag tells me Pakistan was not made to discriminate on the basis of faith. Its green field represents my Muslim identity and vertical white stripe exhibits the right of my non-Muslim countrymen on this Land of Pure.

My religion tells me to respect the Gods of other religion. It tells me to be kind and just towards all creatures. It tells me to protect the rights of the oppressed, regardless of their creed, cast, colour.

My country’s constitution states:

Wherein adequate provision shall be made for the minorities freely to profess and practise their religions and develop their cultures;

Therein shall be guaranteed fundamental rights, including equality of status, of opportunity and before law, social, economic and political justice, and freedom of thought, expression, belief, faith, worship and association, subject to law and public morality;

Wherein adequate provision shall be made to safeguard the legitimate interests of minorities and backward and depressed classes;

Pakistan was conceived as an Islamic nation. But Islamic does not at all translate into intolerant. Pakistan was supposed to be as secular as any other country on this planet. My religion and my constitution allow me to be secular and a Muslim together, only if my leaders would allow me and many like me to build a Pakistan that our ancestors actually dreamt of.

Why only women for the test?

Marriage is one issue that never losses it charms as a topic for family discussions, social and religious seminars and even news stories. It is one decision of life which is heavily loaded with expectations, mostly on the woman’s side. Today I came across a news story about Iraqi women facing court ordered virginity tests and I thought what else misogynistic societies can come up with next.

Muslim societies appear to be over obsessed with relations pertaining to opposite sex and we regularly come across horror stories where youth get killed in the name of honour. Instead of providing alternative, religiously legitimate routes for the younger generation, our society prefers putting up more and more barriers in the way. Unfortunately, the barriers are completely ineffective against the hormones gushing in bloodstream of young members of society; hence time and again we find boys and girls indulging into activities that they perhaps shouldn’t be involved in.  But the injustice doesn’t end here. Almost in every instance, one finds the blame being placed on the female counterpart. Not only men, but women in our society are found saying things like, ‘behkane wali toh humesha larki hi hoti hai, jab tak larki agey na bare larka kuch nahi kar sakta.’

Coming back to the court order of virginity test for Iraqi women, one wonders why only for women? If a woman is either a divorcee or a widow, she would definitely not be a virgin; hence it’s obvious that the test is for unmarried women only. But then, why are unmarried men exempted from it? May be because there is no test to ascertain a man’s virginity, but does that make it fair? Is it ok for men to have pre-marital sex?

Islam being a code of conduct of life, it certainly talks very clearly about the principles in matters like adultery and fornication. Following are some Quranic verses on the topic:

The man and woman guilty of adultery or fornication,- flog each of them with a hundred stripes: Let not compassion move you in their case, in a matter prescribed by Allah, if ye believe in Allah and the Last Day: and let a party of the Believers witness their punishment. (Holy Quran 24:2)

The adulterer shall not marry save an adulteress or an idolatress, and the adulteress none shall marry save an adulterer or an idolater. All that is forbidden unto believers. (Holy Quran 24:3)

It’s obvious from the Quranic verses mentioned above that both man and woman are equally guilty for the act of adultery or fornication and punishment is for both. I have no intention of going into a debate about the mode of punishment because that is not what we are concerned with here. What matters is to acknowledge the fact that it takes two to commit fornication and hence both man and woman should be considered equally responsible and both should bear the consequences without societies giving clean passage to the ‘so called’ men who cannot stand up to their mistakes.

Sins committed by an individual in past are his/her personal matter and should not be brought out in front of everyone deliberately. Allah (swt) -the merciful, holds the right to forgive and we are no one to snatch it away from anyone. Lets open up our hearts and accept the fact that religion is not as cold as we interpret it to be.

An edited version of this post appeared as a blog on the website of Express Tribune
http://blogs.tribune.com.pk/story/12535/of-patriarchy-and-virginity-tests/